7 Expert Tips to Help Your Spouse Combat Depression

Living with depression isn’t easy and supporting a spouse, partner or loved one who is living with depression comes with its own challenges. It can be upsetting to watch a loved one struggle and you likely want to do everything in your power to help them.  

Here are some psychiatrist-backed tips on how to support your spouse or loved one who is living with depression.

How can you recognize depression in your spouse?

Symptoms of depression (also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression) can range from mild to severe and will look different for everyone. Sometimes the symptoms of depression aren’t obvious to others as people with depression may mask or try and hide their symptoms. Here are some signs of depression to look out for:

• Eating less or more than usual: A change in appetite is common for people experiencing depression. Some people might turn to food as a coping mechanism and may eat more than usual while others may lose their appetite and eat less.  
• Change in weight: Weight fluctuations are normal but for people with depression, they may gain or lose a lot of weight in a short period of time. Dramatic weight changes are a result of changes in appetite or activity levels.  
• Change in sleeping patterns (oversleeping or under sleeping): People with depression often report feeling crushing, full-body fatigue, lack of desire to engage in activities, and trouble sleeping. Because of this, you may notice your loved one is sleeping more than usual, spending more time in bed than usual, is up frequently at night, or has trouble falling asleep.  
• Social withdrawal: People with depression may start declining invitations to social events, have less of a desire to spend time with loved ones, and just experience a general loss of interest in things they once enjoyed. They may feel ‘shut off’ or ‘numb.’ You may feel personally hurt or offended by this change in behavior. Knowing that it’s a symptom of depression can help you cope.  
• Trouble keeping up with tasks: Depression doesn’t just affect a person’s mood. It can also affect their ability to think clearly. People with depression often report having difficulty thinking quickly or as clearly as usual. As a result, you may notice your loved one is not functioning as well as they usually do at home or work. They may lose track of items, forget appointments, or have trouble deciding what to cook or eat for dinner.  

If you think your spouse is showing any signs of depression or you think they may have another mental health condition, check in with them. It can be hard, but simply asking them how they’ve been feeling and telling them what you’ve observed can help start the conversation.  

If your spouse or loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call 988 suicide crisis hotline or seek professional help immediately.   ‍

How can you help your spouse through depression?

Living with depression is challenging and so is supporting someone through it. Watching a loved one struggle and not knowing how to help them can be a painful experience. It’s important to remember that it’s not within your power to ‘fix’ or ‘cure’ your loved one’s depression (and that’s okay!). What you can do is encourage them to seek professional help and support them along the way. Here are some ways to do it.  

1. Learn about what they’re going through

Living with someone with depression can hurt. Especially if your spouse or loved one seems withdrawn, irritable or lacks the energy to help around the house or with kids or other family members. You may find yourself taking on extra chores or household duties. This can start to feel exhausting and may bring up confusing feelings such as resentment, anger, or guilt. While these feelings are entirely valid and expected, maintaining empathy will help you reconcile with them. Remember: depression is not a character flaw or a choice. It’s a mental health condition. Someone with depression is likely experiencing low self-esteem and intense feelings of worthlessness. Learning how depression affects a person’s brain and what it feels like to have depression can help you cope with your own challenges and support your loved one.  

Here are a few resources to learn more about how depression works:    

How our psychiatrists treat different types of depression

What Does Depression Feel Like  

2. Be a team  

It’s easy for miscommunications to happen when your partner, spouse, or loved one is living with a mental health condition like depression. They may be less open or unable to articulate how they are feeling. And depending on the severity of your loved one’s depression, you may even start feeling less like a spouse and more like a caregiver. Try and remember that you are a team. Communicate and check in as much as possible, asking your partner how you can best support them.

How you refer to your partner’s depression can help you stick together as a team. Avoid using depression as an adjective. For example, instead of saying “my partner is depressed” “or my depressed spouse” you can say “my partner or spouse has depression.” Your loved one is not their condition and their condition is not a character flaw.

Related article: What to know about depression and divorce

3. Help them find proper support

A person suffering from depression may feel reluctant to seek help. They may feel like they are not fixable, that depression will go away on its own, or that they don’t deserve help. It may take them some time to accept the fact that they need professional support. This can be frustrating but trust they will seek help when they are ready. In the meantime, you can provide them with educational resources, offer to research mental healthcare professionals, or even make them an appointment with a psychiatrist, therapist or primary care doctor, if they agree to it.  

Some other reading you might find helpful: Mental Health First Aid: How to help someone in a crisis

4. How to find support

Navigating the mental healthcare system can be overwhelming. If you or your loved one is suffering from depression, or if you think they might be, seeing a psychiatrist is a great first step. A psychiatrist will be able to evaluate symptoms, provide an appropriate diagnosis, and create a personalized treatment plan. Treatment may include talk therapy (like CBT), medication (such as antidepressants) or a combination of both.  

Not sure where to start? Talkiatry makes finding a psychiatrist easy. We have over 300+ psychiatrists. All of them take insurance and provide virtual care. Take our assessment to see if Talkiatry is right for you.    

Not sure when to see a psychiatrist? Use this guide.

5. Listen to them  

Unless you’ve experienced depression yourself, it can be hard to fully understand what someone is going through. Fortunately, you don’t have to have lived with depression or fully understand what depression feels like, to be able to support someone going through it. Simply listening to your partner or spouse will help them feel understood and validated and can provide a tremendous sense of relief and comfort.  

Try using active listening. In your own words, repeat what your spouse or partner said before offering your own perspective or judgment. This exercise can go both ways so that you both feel listened to and understood.  

6. Keep your home environment low-stress  

Dishes piling up in the sink, laundry on the floor: An untidy environment can be a source of stress even if you aren’t experiencing a mental health condition. People with depression may lack the energy to complete household chores or feel easily overwhelmed by tasks that, to you, seem manageable. This can be hard on both you and your partner or spouse suffering from depression. To keep stress in check, do your best to keep up with household chores and create a tidy and relaxing environment. You may need to lean on additional support like a family member or a cleaning service, or help break down chores into manageable tasks that your spouse feels confident they can take on.    

7. Take care of yourself, too

You know the old refrain: You can’t pour from an empty cup. This is absolutely true when it comes to supporting a spouse or loved one who is experiencing a mental health condition. It’s natural to readily set aside your own needs in order to help out another, but remember that your own self-care is important too. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, exercising, eating nutritious foods, and engaging in hobbies that help ease your stress. All of these practices can make a big difference in your own well-being.  

Supporting someone through depression is a marathon, not a sprint. So check in with your own needs often and reach out for support if you need it. Whether that’s talking to a friend, finding a support group or seeking support from a mental health professional, like a therapist.  

About Talkiatry  

Talkiatry is a national psychiatry practice that provides in-network, virtual care. Co-founded by a patient and a triple-board-certified psychiatrist, Talkiatry has over 300 doctors, 60 insurance partners, and first visits available in days. We treat patients with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, and more. Get started with a short online assessment.  

The information in this article is for informational and educational purposes only and should never be substituted for medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment. If you or someone you know may be in danger, call 911 or the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 right away.