Secure attachment style: What does it really mean?

Our intimate relationships are some of the most important we have, and how we relate to and connect with our partners, close friends, and family members can have a profound effect on our overall mental health and well-being.

If you’re struggling in your closest relationships, you’re not alone. Many factors can prevent us from developing the healthiest bonds with our loved ones, and many adults struggle to sustain secure relationships. Fortunately, there are also proven strategies you can use to become a more secure romantic partner, parent, and friend.

What is attachment theory?

Attachment theory is a widely accepted concept about early relationships and human development. Researchers think that the way a child forms attachment bonds with their first primary caregiver (aka “attachment figure”) sets the tone for how a child will form intimate relationships throughout the rest of their life. Different attachment styles result in vastly different future relationship outcomes.

Securely attached children who can count on their primary caregiver for consistent comfort and devotion to their needs are more likely to form healthy, stable adult relationships later in life. A child who receives an inconsistent or less attentive parenting style may develop an insecure attachment style, meaning they have more difficulty forming healthy relationships as an adult.

Attachment theory dates back to a 1969 experiment run by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth. This experiment, called the Strange Situation, aimed to analyze children’s relationships with their primary caregiver––their mothers.  

They let the children play in a room with their mothers, then had the mothers leave the room. The researchers noted the children’s reaction when their caregiver left, and their reaction upon their mothers’ return. For example, maybe the child was upset when their mom left, but then were easily comforted when they came back. Or, perhaps they were completely unbothered by their mom coming or going.  

These different reactions helped to establish four major attachment styles.

The four different styles of attachment are:

Secure attachment

This is the most healthy attachment style. A child has all of their emotional and physical needs met. They can rely on and trust their primary caregiver. They grow up with a sense of safety.  

Adults with a secure attachment style generally seek out healthy relationships and can be reliable partners themselves.

Anxious attachment

A child with this attachment style may have had a parent who was inconsistent in providing love and meeting emotional and physical needs. They may lack trust in an unreliable caregiver.  

Adults with an anxious attachment style may be seen as “clingy” or “needy” in relationships, constantly seeking reassurance.

Avoidant attachment

When a child has an avoidant attachment style, they may have a primary caregiver who meets all of their physical needs, but they don’t provide emotional support or meet their emotional needs, which are just as important.

Adults with avoidant attachment styles often come across as overly independent and emotionally guarded. They may have difficulty intimately connecting with others in romantic relationships.  

Disorganized attachment

A child forms a disorganized attachment style when they have a particularly difficult childhood filled with trauma, such as abuse. However, it’s possible to develop this attachment style even without trauma or abuse, depending on the individual. The child might see their primary caregiver as unpredictable or even scary. Because of this, they don’t see their caregiver as a source of comfort or safety. Disorganized attachment is sometimes called fearful-avoidant attachment.

Adults with disorganized attachment styles may be more likely to live with mental health conditions. Although they may crave close connections, they will often push people away, preventing them from having any close, stable relationships.  

All of these attachment styles exist on a spectrum, and not everyone will be a perfect fit for a single style. While it may be tempting to self-diagnose your own “attachment style,” it’s always useful to work with a mental healthcare professional if you’re concerned about your ability to form intimate relationships or connect with others.

What does secure attachment look like as an adult?  

Wondering if you have a secure attachment style? Here are some signs and indications of how securely attached people act in interpersonal relationships:

• They find it easy to trust others: They have a sense of mutual trust and understanding. When partners communicate with them, they respect them and believe they are truthful.  

• They can effectively regulate their emotions: Even when emotions are running high, or they’re feeling triggered in one way or another, they can self-regulate their emotions in a healthy way and use self-soothing skills.

• They can easily engage in emotional intimacy. They are emotionally available and open to forming deep emotional connections, and they feel comfortable talking about their feelings.

• They set, maintain, and respect healthy boundaries: There is mutual respect for maintaining personal boundaries. This includes spending a healthy amount of time apart, and feeling comfortable spending time alone

• They use healthy communication skills: Those with attachment security can address and resolve conflicts healthily. They can express their needs, and listen to their partner’s needs, too.  

• They have healthy self-worth: Securely attached people have good self-esteem and self-worth. They value themselves, recognize the good, and don’t need to constantly seek validation.
  

Benefits of a secure attachment

There are countless benefits to a secure attachment relationship, including:  

• Overall healthier relationships

• Greater relationship satisfaction  

• More stable relationships

• Greater feelings of overall well-being

• Lower risk of mental health conditions  

How to develop a secure attachment style

Even if you’ve grown up with an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style, you can develop a healthier one. Adult attachment styles can be reinforced, influenced, or even changed.  

Here are eight ways to work towards developing a secure attachment style:

Build self-awareness

To change, we have to be aware of what we want to change. Developing self-awareness helps you understand your pain points and triggers. You can try to identify your negative thought patterns or behaviors. From here, you can work towards changing these thoughts and behaviors into healthier ones.  

Boost your self-esteem and self-worth

Many people with attachment issues struggle with low self-esteem and self-worth due to their experiences growing up. These can stick with you into adulthood, and you may find that you constantly seek external validation to build up your worth. However, it’s important to learn to find ways to build your self-esteem. Some ways to do this are:

• Practicing self-compassion

• Challenging negative thoughts  

• Setting small goals and achieving them

• Surrounding yourself with people who build you up rather than bring you down

• Focusing on your strengths and accomplishments, not your weaknesses and mistakes

• Regularly engaging in self-care

Therapy is a great way to learn how to boost your self-esteem and self-worth. A professional can help you identify and challenge deep-rooted negative self-beliefs and develop a healthier view of yourself while you build confidence.

Process your childhood and address trauma

Since attachment styles develop during childhood, it’s important to process any childhood experiences––including trauma––that may have contributed to your insecure attachment style so that you can work on developing a healthier one. This work is best attempted under the direction of a counselor, therapist, or other qualified mental healthcare professional.

A therapist can help you develop a unique insight into why you act the way you do as an adult. By processing and understanding childhood experiences, you can begin to grow as an adult and heal attachment wounds.  Learn more about the differences between therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists here.

Try inner child work

In line with processing your childhood and trauma, inner child work can be a great tool for healing. This is commonly linked to internal family systems (IFS). The goal of inner child work is to reconnect with your wounded inner child and give them the love and support they need through “reparenting.” It’s best to do this work initially with a mental health professional.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is an important tool that can help us foster healthy relationships with others. Some researchers think that practicing self-compassion stimulates emotional pathways that are associated with secure attachment and feelings of safety, as well as higher self-esteem.

Self-compassion involves showing yourself kindness instead of being critical, accepting your thoughts without judging or over-identifying with them, and recognizing that hardships are part of the human experience.  

Learn self-regulation

Regulating yourself and your emotions isn’t always easy, especially when you’re feeling triggered. Self-regulation, or the practice of monitoring, evaluating, and reinforcing your own behavior, can help you adjust your relationship and social skills.

Monitoring your behavior includes paying attention to the ways you relate to others. Evaluating means reflecting on your actions and reactions after the fact, ideally with the guidance of a mental healthcare professional like a therapist. Finally, self-reinforcement can be practiced by rewarding yourself with a message of self-affirmation for appropriate behavior.

Here’s an example of how you can put it into practice:

Say you have an anxious attachment style but want to shift to a secure one. Perhaps you pay attention to how you react when your spouse leaves for a work trip. In the past, you may have attempted to make them feel guilty for not going or encouraged them not to go, but this time, you opt to share a meaningful goodbye and then wish them well. After noting this behavior (self-monitoring), you discuss with your therapist whether this was a healthier response to your spouse’s trip (self-evaluation). Once you’ve decided it was, you may praise yourself for your growth (self-reinforcement).

Foster a supportive social network and community

Social support is key for overall mental health. By having relationships with friends and family, you build a foundation of emotional support and close connection. This can provide a sense of security, stability, and sense of belonging. Plus, having other connections may help you rely less on your romantic partner if you tend to put all of your emotional needs on them.  

Address any underlying mental health conditions

Research shows links between insecure attachment styles and mental health conditions. It can be difficult to achieve a secure attachment style if you’re dealing with an underlying mental health condition, such as a personality disorder, as mental health conditions can contribute to unhealthy, unhelpful behaviors linked to insecure attachment behavior.

By addressing any mental health conditions that occur alongside and contribute to your attachment struggles, you can learn how to improve your own well-being and form healthy relationships. Working with a qualified professional to control the symptoms of any mental health conditions can have a positive impact on your journey toward a secure attachment style.

If you’re struggling with healthy attachment, and your mental health and relationships are suffering, it’s time to seek professional help to learn how to develop a secure attachment style.

Not sure where to find a qualified mental health professional? Consider Talkiatry. We’re a national psychiatry practice that treats a variety of mental health concerns. We provide virtual, in-network services so you can get the care you need from home. To get started, complete our free online assessment to get matched with a psychiatrist.

FAQs

Here's what else to know about secure attachment and attachment styles.

What are the four attachment styles?

The four attachment styles, defined by Mary Ainsworth’s Strange Situation experiment, are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

How do children develop secure attachment?

Children develop a secure attachment style when their primary caregiver is physically and emotionally available. Their caregiver meets their physical and emotional needs, providing all their necessities, including emotional support.  

Why are attachment styles important?

Attachment styles are important because they determine how we experience adult relationships, especially romantic relationships. Your attachment style influences your expectations, emotions, and behaviors in relationships. Furthermore, adult attachment styles can also affect your parenting style and the emotional bond you form with your children if you have any. You can potentially pass along these patterns as learned behaviors to the next generation and their future relationships.

Understanding and addressing your attachment wounds to form a healthy attachment style can improve your personal well-being and the quality of all your relationships.

‍The information in this article is for informational and educational purposes only and should never be substituted for medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment. If you or someone you know may be in danger, call 911 or the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 right away.